I try to be a positive person but I’m not going to lie and I’m going to be very vulnerable with this post. This past week has been exhausting. It has been long and fast at the same time. I have slept a total of 10 hours in the last week. Then the realization of daylight savings time and it moving my surgery an hour closer, added more anxiety onto my already out of control anxiety. Basically what I am saying is this, I am anxious, I am constantly crying and zoning out. When I fall asleep, I keep waking up thinking I may not make it off the table.
I get the questions, what are you so worried about? What is are your biggest fears.
To answer those….
1. It’s surgery and with any surgery, there are several risk associated with it.
2. It’s heart surgery. Yes I know that the surgery will take place by inserting a catheter into my femoral artery but it is still heart surgery.
3. The fact that I will be living with a foreign object in my body the rest of my life. Not just any foreign object, a foreign object in my heart.
4. The what ifs of, what if things go wrong, will they wake me up before other decisions are made? What if I don’t wake up?
5. How to get the word to my kids that I’m okay when they are in school? Thankfully this question was an easy answer. My kids go to the best elementary school and they have the best teachers that are not only my kids teachers but they have become my friends. These teachers are allowing me to reach out or have someone reach out directly to them to let them know when I am out of surgery and they will tell my kids. This is something I am forever thankful for!
Then there are the silly questions… when can this adrenaline junkie ride roller coasters again? When can I go back to Burn Boot Camp? When can I go back to work…well eh, I’m not really worried about that one. I thankfully can just work from home this week.
All and all, I am terrified, I am so anxious that I don’t know what to do with myself. But that didn’t stop me this week from getting things done that I needed to. My oldest had a band concert Thursday night and my daughter had a festival violin solo and I put on a birthday party yesterday for my 8 year.
Here’s to tomorrow and the next step in my stroke recovery!
Nic of Time - Travel 